Manifesto

2007-12-27T22:37:00.000-08:00

We at wewantericksonbellottiandcarroll.blogspot.com want world peace, healthcare for everyone, a gallon of gas for $1, and the following:

Dennis Erickson as the head coach

Mike Bellotti as the offensive coordinator

Pete Carroll as the defensive coordinator

This will be a dream team of coaches, invincible as that Laker team with Kobe, Shaq, Malone and Payton. "Money", like a 28-yard field goal to beat a bunch of non-alcoholics who haven't played football in 2 years.

We believe that these hirings will have 2 beneficial impacts for the UCLA football program:

1. UCLA will have 3 top-notch coaches, all with head coaching experience

2. The 3 top teams in the Pac-10 will be crippled by losing their head coaches

Just in case anyone thinks that this is the craziest idea they've heard, we have 2 words for you:

Golden. Al. Period. (OK, 3 words.)

If we had these 3 coaches this season, we would have had 29 wins.

Here is our math proof:

Arizona State 10 wins + USC 10 wins + Oregon 8 wins = 29 wins

Our math and logic are infallible.

We also have following recommendations, specific to each coach:

Dennis Erickson

He has a habit of leaving. He should be bound by a lifetime contract. The length of "lifetime" is variable, as decided by bloggers depending on whether they like him or not, and secondarily on his coaching performance.

He will be freed from this lifetime commitment if he wins 10 national championships. Then UCLA will name the football field after him and his wife. Also, a building called the Erickson Center will be built on campus in which there will be a cute little model of Erickson's Cube of Success.

Mike Bellotti

In light of what happened in Oregon this year, he is to encase his quarterback's legs in titanium-Kevlar-kryptonite armor. Also, in light of what happened at UCLA this year, he is to have 50 backup quarterbacks.

Pete Carroll

He will devise a plan to stop Stanford's backup quarterback and wide receiver from recreating a famous catch by another bay area duo, Montana and Clark.

As for the other candidates:

DeWayne Walker

He may be a good defensive coordinator and recruiter, but we can't endorse him for one reason: he is black. We don't think black people are good athletes, much less good coaches. I mean, when's the last time a black coach won a Super Bowl?

Rick Neuheisel

We can't endorse him because his name sounds suspiciously German, and if we remember correctly we fought a war against Germany 100 years ago, and we won only because George Washington crossed that river in a boat (as immortalized in that famous painting) to go to Germany to kick Churchill's butt into surrendering.

Norm Chow

We can't endorse him because he's Asian, and everyone knows that Asians are not good at math, and how will he be a good coach if he can't calculate important stats like a quarterback's batting average?

Yes, we are equal opportunity racists here at... man, don't make us type that long web site name again.

UCLA will have to raise a lot of money to cover the salaries of the 3 coaches. So we recommend the following:

Bar on campus

Each student will have to buy a minimum of 10 drinks per day. Also, there will be a mandatory drinking game on campus in which every time you see a scooter, you have to take a drink. A special police should be set up to enforce this game. They should patrol the campus on scooters.

If that's not enough, tuition should be raised to $50,000 a year. In exchange, the students will get a good football team, which is the main reason why anyone attends college.

And if that's not enough, the school of engineering will research and produce nuclear weapons and other weapons of mass destruction for sale to the highest bidder. We are certain that there are a number of governments around the world who will be very interested in funding such projects.

As far as we know, there is no NCAA rule prohibiting this. Sure, there are rules against student-athletes having part-time jobs, but nothing against selling nukes. To verify, UCLA can hire Neuheisel as a consultant to make sure.

We will have more recommendations after we sober up...

We want Erickson, Bellotti AND Carroll

Manifesto